It is a truth universally lauded by the Amazon rainforest that major publishers (and a few miner ones who are attempting to diversify from their dependence on the ebb and flow of the diamond market) publish but an infinitesimal quantity of the manuscripts they receive. Most often, the manuscripts are not even glanced at. You would be surprised at the uses enterprising editorial assistants and finance executives have discovered for your sweat-wrought prose children. For example, did you know that HaperCollins recently won Green Company of the Year? One hundred percent of their books are not only recycled paper but recycled words, so don’t bother to include that stamped, self-addressed envelope. Simon & Schuster has the best-insulated building in Manhattan. And don’t get me started on the spitball wars and stack forts. Just as libraries search for new ways to store, preserve and disseminate books, publishers are always looking for new ways to destroy, and execrate would-be books.
People often ask me how the magic works; how we take a bundle of eight and a half by eleven leafs that a printer excreted on and turn it into a bound work of cultural value. It is truly a Darwinian evolution, I inevitably reply, a bloody competition which in only the strong survive. That is complete fiction. In my work at Random House, I have laid my hands upon thousands of manuscripts of varying degrees of quality and soup stains. As head of the night crew, it is my personal charge to pick up the scattered pages and envelopes on the floor that have not metamorphosed into paper cranes, stash them in my cart, and throw them into the Tartarean furnaces in the sub-basement so that the executives can wear bathing suits to work. In my thirty years, I have skimmed detritus more divine than Dostoevsky, more damning than Dante and more deliciously derelict than Dan Brown. There was only one problem: instead of sitting on shelves, laps, and e-readers, they were lying on the floor
I have a theory about individuals and their societies, and how each can only handle a certain amount of material
I do not know who Pietro Calzone is, was, or will be, but I present to you the title page, dedication, contents and first two pages of his opus,
TITLE GOES HERE
Pietro Calzone
pro Regina
caveat lector
CONTENTS
PART I
Chapter I
In which Horus, the bygone mystic, flits from story to world, searching for some peace and quiet for a change.
[In a gothic novella, the name of which I cannot quite recall, there dwelled not long ago one of those characters who]
Chapter II
In which Spinza, the Ingénue Hidalgo, discovers he is a woman.
Chapter III
In which Horus and Spinza meet and exchange business cards.
Chapter IV
In which Horus is captured by an evil hack.
Chapter V
In which the uncategorizable Spinza sets out to rescue him.
Chapter V
In which Horus finds himself on a cliché-ridden dark and stormy night.
Chapter VI
In which Spinza has many genre-bending adventures.
Chapter VII
In which Spinza comes upon an inn, as well as an in.
Chapter VIII
In which Spinza hears the tale of the Scrapped B-story.
Chapter IX
In which Horus encounters the Ghost of Fictions Past.
Chapter X
In which the allusive Spinza learns the difference between a clue and a clew.
Chapter XI
In which Horus encounters the Ghost of Fictions Present.
Chapter XII
In which Spinza remembers her quest.
Chapter XIII
In which Horus encounters the Ghost of Fictions Past again.
----------------------[Editor’s Note: Several pages appear to be missing]
Chapter XXXV
In which Horus imagines there’s no heaven, with some difficulty.
Chapter XXXVI
In which the author drinks alone and reminisces about what might have been.
Chapter XXXVII
In which Spinza rescues Horus from the trash.
Chapter XXXVIII
In which Horus and Spinza realize that they are foils.
Chapter XXXIX
In which Horus and Spinza decide to go their separate ways for the good of the narrative.
Chapter XL
In which Horus takes a break, and catches up on all the things he was unable to do whilst under the scrutiny of the reader, such as scratch, shit and answer his e-mails.
Chapter XLI
In which Spinza has a cathartic moment, in all senses of the word.
Chapter XLII
In which Horus returns to his Egyptian roots, in allegorical form.
PART II
Chapter I
In which Horus converts to romanticism, and retreats to his cloudy crag and deranged sister-wife-Other.
Chapter II
In which Spinza realizes she is not getting any younger.
Chapter III
In which Spinza realizes she is not getting any older either.
Chapter IV
In which Horus realizes he is an anachronism.
Chapter V
In which Horus and Spinza decide to have another adventure.
Chapter VI
In which Horus and Spinza hear a whale of a tale.
Chapter VII
In which Horus and Spinza swap spouses.
Chapter VIII
In which Horus and Spinza change their names to Spinza and Horus, respectively.
Chapter IX
In which Horus explores his new anatomy, in verse form.
Chapter X
In which Spinza
CHAPTER I
In which Horus, the bygone mystic, flits from story to world, searching for some peace and quiet for a change.
In a gothic novella, the name of which I cannot quite recall, there dwelled not long ago one of those characters who
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